Sometimes I wish there were snakes on my plane.

After traveling 2-4 times a week for more then 10 months straight, you begin to realize that there are a lot of things in traveling that can go wrong (along with a shit load of miles). The following are examples of things that really bother me and prefer not to experience on airplanes (in no particular order):

1. The really large person – Obesity is a huge problem all over the world and even more so in America. Our cars, doorways, recliners, and other things are getting bigger only to accommodate fatter people. However, the airline seat size has not changed since the coach class was created (rough estimate… 40 years). If you cannot fit in the seat, buy two, do not lift up the arm rest and force yourself into my personal space. This should b a rule set by the FAA if you ask me.
2. The smelly person – Oh yes, some people may smell because they are running from their last flight… I can live with that. But some people just smell all the time and that just isn’t right. Use cologne, stronger soap… or something. It’s really not fair to make me sit next to a smell person for 2 + hours and have to hold my breath the entire time. If I were training to hold my breath under water for long periods of time, I wouldn’t mind, unfortunately, holding my breath for extended periods is not a goal of mine and never will be.
3. The person that won’t shut up – How else can I make it clear when I’m not talking, only nodding and trying to read my book that I do not want to talk. Sometimes, I don’t mind. But if you are a crazy freak with nothing to say, please just keep your mouth shut.
4. The SGOAP – The flight attendant should be treated like your mother… “yes maam”, “no maam”, and other polite sayings. All in all, do not talk back to the flight attendant. She will kick you off like you deserve. I don’t care who you are and if you are in first class or not, don’t do it. The one time I witnessed this happen right behind me; the guy would not shut up and continued to argue. FOR 45 MINUTES. He would not get off the plane until speaking to the captain. After he spoke to the captain he would not get off because he wanted them to treat him like the king he is and ensure him that he would get on the next flight. All in all, when it was done, the plane was delayed due to SGOAP (Stupid guy on a plane). Thank you sir for making me late to my 9 am meeting and making my 6 am flight in first class terrible, thank you sir. And I hope that they banned you from flying once they kicked you off the plane and searched you, with rubber gloves, KY, and all (you know what I’m talking about).
5. The bag doesn’t fit… honestly – I don’t pack much and I always pack the same small bag that I love (Patagonia MLC is the best travel bag by the way). Some people pack large bags and do not check them. I don’t hate these people, I just like to laugh at their frustration. Watching them try and cram the 16 inch wide back into the 14 inch wide space, is like watching a fat kid try to fit into a size XS shirt.

All in all, don’t be any of the people above. If you find yourself being one of these people, you are a douche, and need to get help soon. Please.